Not a kid

Tonight at dinner my 11 year old said "mom, I don't feel like a I can be a kid anymore. I do here, but not at my dad's. I don't like it. I hate hearing all the stuff he says about you and dad ( referring to his stepdad), and it's really tough all the time." I told him I was sorry he felt that way, and I would keep doing what I could to help him feel like a kid at my house. My youngest chimed in " mom, they say bad stuff all the time. Can't you stop them?" My 9 year old asked the same question. I told them that we can not control what other people do and say, only how we respond.  I told them they could ignore what was being said ( I tell them this frequently) or walk away. My 9 year old said " they talk alot about bad stuff when we are in the car, so we can't get away." Jokingly, I told him to put his fingers in his ears, make funny faces and say la, la, la, la, la.... and actrd it put for them. All the kids laughed,  but then said they would get it in big trouble for doing something like that. I told them I was sorry they were dealing with this problem, but that like always,  they would never have to deal with that at our house, and to keep trying to ignore it. I then changed then subject and we finished our dinner, with smiles.

Birthday card

Two out of three of my older children from my first marriage were physically abused by their stepdad KR so they want nothing to do with him or his family. Every year, his mother (who has been very vindictive since the divorce) sends my older children birthday cards. It upsets them and they throw them away. (My older children are 21, 20 and almost 15 so they know the abuse their younger siblings have endured and the cover up his grandparents have done for him) This summer my almost 15 year old said "I wish she would just stop doing this already.  Can I just send it back?" I told her sure. So she wrote ..."return to sender, leave me alone" on the envelope and sent it back, in hopes the cards would stop. A few months later, the younger kids came back from a visit. They were obviously upset. They said their grandma MR was visiting and had shown them a card she had sent to their sister that got sent back to her. She told them "your bitch mother sent it back to me and see what she wrote on it? She won't even let me send her birthday cards anymore." The kids said their dad was right there and also stated that I was a bitch for doing that to his mom. The kids had no idea that card existed before that day. The card had been sent to my parents home, and they were not with my older daughter the day she picked it up. So I know MR had really shown them the card.  I explained to the kids that I had not written that on the card, and that their older sister had made the choice,  and let their sister tell them that herself as well. I didn't let her tell them why she chose to. We just told them that MR was not her grandmother, she was their grandmother and she didn't want to have a relationship with her, end of story. The kids were satisfied.

Talking about court

I do not speak to my kids about their dad or his family. Period. I do not think it is healthy for them to know about his abusive past with me, or his current abusive use of the courts. When they speak about his behavior with them, I choose my words carefully,  and try to only acknowledge their feelings, while not putting their dad down. The court has made it very clear that we are not to discuss the case with the kids at all or each other.  I never tell the kids when we are going to court, when we have had court etc. So last October, I was appalled, but not surprised when the kids came home and said that KR had told them we had a court date a few days before, but that I had refused to show up and that I was trying to take them way from him. Kids should have no knowledge of adult problems, especially court. And a parent should never be forced into a corner to defend themselves against an allegation like that  (especially when I was not trying to take his children away from him!)

Hiding in the truck

Our children have started to witness  domestic violence in their dad's home, between their dad and his current wife. One evening a few months ago, KR and his wife GR got into each other's faces and started to tell F*** you at each other. ( The arguement revolved around GR saying she didn't want our boys at her house anymore) Then KR raised his fists and put them in front of GR's face. The boys were afraid that the fight was going to get physical,  and because the fight was about them, that it may turn physical against them, so they ran outside and hide in one of the trucks. They could still hear the arguing,  and see KR threaten GR with his fists. The boys said they fought for along time and they stayed out in the truck until it got dark, and then went inside because they were cold.  Our daughter was still inside. She heard KR tell GR that he was going to divorce her. It upset our daughter. Later that night, she asked KR if he was really going to divorce GR,  he told her no, he was just teaching her a lesson.  It saddens me that our children are exposed to toxic relationships, are are told they are not wanted.

Trying to get me fired

I had gotten the nerve to try to leave, again. I had tried a few other times, and always gone back. He always threatened to take my kids away or numerous other things. However, this time I had stayed away all night long. I went into work that morning feeling accomplished and nervous.  Within minutes of arriving my nurse manager pulled me aside. He asked "what did you do last night?" I responded " I left my husband, why?" He said " I came in this morning to a voice-mail from KR. He said you were stealing drugs from the pyxis. I figured you had left him. I don't believe him, but we have to investigate anyway. Don't go back this time." And then he walked away. Of course the investigation showed the drug count to be clean, and my fellow nurses had witnessed me wasting unused drugs.  KR was trying to get me fired because I had tried to leave him for being abusive.  Classic batterer bahavior. A few days later, he was apologizing and crying, saying we needed to keep our family together, and that he would change. He even asked me to sit down and write down a plan on paper, on how to make our marriage better, which I reluctantly did. And I foolishly went back.

My dad's retirement

KR recently told my children that my dad was fired from the fire department, and that the only job he could find was teaching at the penitentiary, and teaching inmates "how to be bad." Another attack on my family, for no reason, except to make the kids question their relationships with people they love.  I explained to the kids that grandpa retired from the fire department after working their for 26 years, and that the city policy was that after 25 years you were eligible to retire. Grandpa then went on to teach for the local community college. Yes, he did start teaching for their outreach at the penitentiary,  and he did that for a couple years and after that he taught on the college campus.  My dad went and got a letter from the city, explaining he retired, and a letter from the college that had the years he worked at the college and out at the penitentiary,  to show the kids.  He sat down and showed the kids. He told them there must have been a misunderstanding and he didn't want them to have to worry about what the truth was about him. The kids were relieved.  KR knew the truth. He chose to lie in attempt to make them think their grandpa was a bad person so that the kids would mistrust him. He had done this enough times over the last 5 years that we knew this was just another attempt to manipulate the kids and hurt them.

Going to hell

It's been years since we divorced. You would think the abuse would be old news, in the past, a distant memory. But now days, KR uses the court system to be financially, emotionally and psychologically abusive. But even worse, he hurts our children.  Mostly, he straight up lies to the kids to try to paint a picture of me and my family that is twisted and sick.  He also taked pieces of truth and manipulates it into something unrecongizable. Sometimes, he just says things to be hurtful, that have no meaning what so ever. He wants to control the kids,  make them hate my family, my husband, but most of all me.  It hasn't worked. But it makes the kids sad, and causes anxiety, depression and confusion.  And it breaks my heart for them.  Here is just one story, told in coversation.

Kids: Mom, are you going to hell?
Me: No, of course not, why would you think that?
Kids: Dad said you got your tubes fixed to not have anymore babies, and that because you did that,  God hates you and you will go to hell.
Me: Yes, I got my tubes tied, it is a surgery, that makes it so I can't have any more babies, but God doesn't hate me for it. God knows that it wasn't safe for me to have anymore kids,  and God loves me very much.  I am not going to hell, you don't have to worry.
Kids: Well, dad says that you are sinning against God because you won't have more babies for him. Are you sure you aren't going to hell? ( sounding really worried)
Mom:  I believe in Jesus, and I love him, and he knows my heart.  I know I am going to heaven, And you don't have to worry about it anymore guys.  Your dad doesn't isn't my judge, Jesus is, ok?
Kids: Ok, you are right mom. Thanks.