Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Porn and demons

This one is hard to write, and will be hard for some to read, so I apologize in advance. There is no way to sugar coat it, to make it easier to swallow.  What happened to the 2 boys in my opinion is torture, but apparently legal in my state.
KR placed our 2 boys in a room. For "hours" (in their minds) he interrogated them (they were about 7 and 9) until they admitted they had watched pornography.  Of course they hadn't, but they thought if they admitted it, he would stop. The boys didn't even know what pornography was, but they just wanted the questions to stop. But they didnt. KR then demanded to know where they had watched it. The boys said " I don't know" over and over. Finally, he forced them to say my husband and I had made them watch it. KR then took the boys to the computer and pulled up multiple videos of people who were supposedly possessed by demons, and showed them to the boys. He told the boys they would be possessed by demons for watching pornography.  That night the boys thought there were demons in their room. When they came home a few days later, they told my husband and I what KR had done. They were terrified, and feeling guilty that they had lied about their stepdad and myself. I hugged them and told them it was not their fault,  and then we prayed and talked about the fact that there were no demons in their room, and no,  whthey would not be possessed. My mom and dad came over and prayed with them too, as my boys trust grandma and grandpa on spiritual issues alot. The counselor was able to get them in the next morning on an emergency basis as well, and I think that helped them through the fear too. Our state does not consider emotional or mental abuse "abuse", so nothing could be done.  Helplessness is the worst feeling when your children are being hurt.

Monday, April 24, 2017

Can't say dad

My husband has been raising his stepkids since they were 1,3 and 5. That has been for the last 6 years. Their parent/child relationship developed naturally and the kids started calling him dad on their own, which is healthy for any child in a healthy step parent relationship. About a year ago, the kids came home and said KR and GR said they were no longer allowed to call their stepdad "dad" and had to call him by his name.  The kids  of course were confused, because they were told they were not allowed to call GR by her name, and had to call her "mom". I told the kids that they could call my husband whatever they want, his name, dad or stepdad.  It didn't matter to us.  They all said they wanted to call him dad because that's what he was to them.  So I said "call him that then". They said they were getting in trouble for calling him that at KR's house. I told them at KR's house to just call their stepdad by name, to avoid problems, and at our home,  call him what made them happy. No child should have to feel bad for loving both parents, and wanting to call both sets of parents mom and dad.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

Not a kid

Tonight at dinner my 11 year old said "mom, I don't feel like a I can be a kid anymore. I do here, but not at my dad's. I don't like it. I hate hearing all the stuff he says about you and dad ( referring to his stepdad), and it's really tough all the time." I told him I was sorry he felt that way, and I would keep doing what I could to help him feel like a kid at my house. My youngest chimed in " mom, they say bad stuff all the time. Can't you stop them?" My 9 year old asked the same question. I told them that we can not control what other people do and say, only how we respond.  I told them they could ignore what was being said ( I tell them this frequently) or walk away. My 9 year old said " they talk alot about bad stuff when we are in the car, so we can't get away." Jokingly, I told him to put his fingers in his ears, make funny faces and say la, la, la, la, la.... and actrd it put for them. All the kids laughed,  but then said they would get it in big trouble for doing something like that. I told them I was sorry they were dealing with this problem, but that like always,  they would never have to deal with that at our house, and to keep trying to ignore it. I then changed then subject and we finished our dinner, with smiles.

Friday, April 21, 2017

Birthday card

Two out of three of my older children from my first marriage were physically abused by their stepdad KR so they want nothing to do with him or his family. Every year, his mother (who has been very vindictive since the divorce) sends my older children birthday cards. It upsets them and they throw them away. (My older children are 21, 20 and almost 15 so they know the abuse their younger siblings have endured and the cover up his grandparents have done for him) This summer my almost 15 year old said "I wish she would just stop doing this already.  Can I just send it back?" I told her sure. So she wrote ..."return to sender, leave me alone" on the envelope and sent it back, in hopes the cards would stop. A few months later, the younger kids came back from a visit. They were obviously upset. They said their grandma MR was visiting and had shown them a card she had sent to their sister that got sent back to her. She told them "your bitch mother sent it back to me and see what she wrote on it? She won't even let me send her birthday cards anymore." The kids said their dad was right there and also stated that I was a bitch for doing that to his mom. The kids had no idea that card existed before that day. The card had been sent to my parents home, and they were not with my older daughter the day she picked it up. So I know MR had really shown them the card.  I explained to the kids that I had not written that on the card, and that their older sister had made the choice,  and let their sister tell them that herself as well. I didn't let her tell them why she chose to. We just told them that MR was not her grandmother, she was their grandmother and she didn't want to have a relationship with her, end of story. The kids were satisfied.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Talking about court

I do not speak to my kids about their dad or his family. Period. I do not think it is healthy for them to know about his abusive past with me, or his current abusive use of the courts. When they speak about his behavior with them, I choose my words carefully,  and try to only acknowledge their feelings, while not putting their dad down. The court has made it very clear that we are not to discuss the case with the kids at all or each other.  I never tell the kids when we are going to court, when we have had court etc. So last October, I was appalled, but not surprised when the kids came home and said that KR had told them we had a court date a few days before, but that I had refused to show up and that I was trying to take them way from him. Kids should have no knowledge of adult problems, especially court. And a parent should never be forced into a corner to defend themselves against an allegation like that  (especially when I was not trying to take his children away from him!)

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Hiding in the truck

Our children have started to witness  domestic violence in their dad's home, between their dad and his current wife. One evening a few months ago, KR and his wife GR got into each other's faces and started to tell F*** you at each other. ( The arguement revolved around GR saying she didn't want our boys at her house anymore) Then KR raised his fists and put them in front of GR's face. The boys were afraid that the fight was going to get physical,  and because the fight was about them, that it may turn physical against them, so they ran outside and hide in one of the trucks. They could still hear the arguing,  and see KR threaten GR with his fists. The boys said they fought for along time and they stayed out in the truck until it got dark, and then went inside because they were cold.  Our daughter was still inside. She heard KR tell GR that he was going to divorce her. It upset our daughter. Later that night, she asked KR if he was really going to divorce GR,  he told her no, he was just teaching her a lesson.  It saddens me that our children are exposed to toxic relationships, are are told they are not wanted.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Trying to get me fired

I had gotten the nerve to try to leave, again. I had tried a few other times, and always gone back. He always threatened to take my kids away or numerous other things. However, this time I had stayed away all night long. I went into work that morning feeling accomplished and nervous.  Within minutes of arriving my nurse manager pulled me aside. He asked "what did you do last night?" I responded " I left my husband, why?" He said " I came in this morning to a voice-mail from KR. He said you were stealing drugs from the pyxis. I figured you had left him. I don't believe him, but we have to investigate anyway. Don't go back this time." And then he walked away. Of course the investigation showed the drug count to be clean, and my fellow nurses had witnessed me wasting unused drugs.  KR was trying to get me fired because I had tried to leave him for being abusive.  Classic batterer bahavior. A few days later, he was apologizing and crying, saying we needed to keep our family together, and that he would change. He even asked me to sit down and write down a plan on paper, on how to make our marriage better, which I reluctantly did. And I foolishly went back.