Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Porn and demons

This one is hard to write, and will be hard for some to read, so I apologize in advance. There is no way to sugar coat it, to make it easier to swallow.  What happened to the 2 boys in my opinion is torture, but apparently legal in my state.
KR placed our 2 boys in a room. For "hours" (in their minds) he interrogated them (they were about 7 and 9) until they admitted they had watched pornography.  Of course they hadn't, but they thought if they admitted it, he would stop. The boys didn't even know what pornography was, but they just wanted the questions to stop. But they didnt. KR then demanded to know where they had watched it. The boys said " I don't know" over and over. Finally, he forced them to say my husband and I had made them watch it. KR then took the boys to the computer and pulled up multiple videos of people who were supposedly possessed by demons, and showed them to the boys. He told the boys they would be possessed by demons for watching pornography.  That night the boys thought there were demons in their room. When they came home a few days later, they told my husband and I what KR had done. They were terrified, and feeling guilty that they had lied about their stepdad and myself. I hugged them and told them it was not their fault,  and then we prayed and talked about the fact that there were no demons in their room, and no,  whthey would not be possessed. My mom and dad came over and prayed with them too, as my boys trust grandma and grandpa on spiritual issues alot. The counselor was able to get them in the next morning on an emergency basis as well, and I think that helped them through the fear too. Our state does not consider emotional or mental abuse "abuse", so nothing could be done.  Helplessness is the worst feeling when your children are being hurt.

Monday, April 24, 2017

Can't say dad

My husband has been raising his stepkids since they were 1,3 and 5. That has been for the last 6 years. Their parent/child relationship developed naturally and the kids started calling him dad on their own, which is healthy for any child in a healthy step parent relationship. About a year ago, the kids came home and said KR and GR said they were no longer allowed to call their stepdad "dad" and had to call him by his name.  The kids  of course were confused, because they were told they were not allowed to call GR by her name, and had to call her "mom". I told the kids that they could call my husband whatever they want, his name, dad or stepdad.  It didn't matter to us.  They all said they wanted to call him dad because that's what he was to them.  So I said "call him that then". They said they were getting in trouble for calling him that at KR's house. I told them at KR's house to just call their stepdad by name, to avoid problems, and at our home,  call him what made them happy. No child should have to feel bad for loving both parents, and wanting to call both sets of parents mom and dad.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

Not a kid

Tonight at dinner my 11 year old said "mom, I don't feel like a I can be a kid anymore. I do here, but not at my dad's. I don't like it. I hate hearing all the stuff he says about you and dad ( referring to his stepdad), and it's really tough all the time." I told him I was sorry he felt that way, and I would keep doing what I could to help him feel like a kid at my house. My youngest chimed in " mom, they say bad stuff all the time. Can't you stop them?" My 9 year old asked the same question. I told them that we can not control what other people do and say, only how we respond.  I told them they could ignore what was being said ( I tell them this frequently) or walk away. My 9 year old said " they talk alot about bad stuff when we are in the car, so we can't get away." Jokingly, I told him to put his fingers in his ears, make funny faces and say la, la, la, la, la.... and actrd it put for them. All the kids laughed,  but then said they would get it in big trouble for doing something like that. I told them I was sorry they were dealing with this problem, but that like always,  they would never have to deal with that at our house, and to keep trying to ignore it. I then changed then subject and we finished our dinner, with smiles.

Friday, April 21, 2017

Birthday card

Two out of three of my older children from my first marriage were physically abused by their stepdad KR so they want nothing to do with him or his family. Every year, his mother (who has been very vindictive since the divorce) sends my older children birthday cards. It upsets them and they throw them away. (My older children are 21, 20 and almost 15 so they know the abuse their younger siblings have endured and the cover up his grandparents have done for him) This summer my almost 15 year old said "I wish she would just stop doing this already.  Can I just send it back?" I told her sure. So she wrote ..."return to sender, leave me alone" on the envelope and sent it back, in hopes the cards would stop. A few months later, the younger kids came back from a visit. They were obviously upset. They said their grandma MR was visiting and had shown them a card she had sent to their sister that got sent back to her. She told them "your bitch mother sent it back to me and see what she wrote on it? She won't even let me send her birthday cards anymore." The kids said their dad was right there and also stated that I was a bitch for doing that to his mom. The kids had no idea that card existed before that day. The card had been sent to my parents home, and they were not with my older daughter the day she picked it up. So I know MR had really shown them the card.  I explained to the kids that I had not written that on the card, and that their older sister had made the choice,  and let their sister tell them that herself as well. I didn't let her tell them why she chose to. We just told them that MR was not her grandmother, she was their grandmother and she didn't want to have a relationship with her, end of story. The kids were satisfied.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Talking about court

I do not speak to my kids about their dad or his family. Period. I do not think it is healthy for them to know about his abusive past with me, or his current abusive use of the courts. When they speak about his behavior with them, I choose my words carefully,  and try to only acknowledge their feelings, while not putting their dad down. The court has made it very clear that we are not to discuss the case with the kids at all or each other.  I never tell the kids when we are going to court, when we have had court etc. So last October, I was appalled, but not surprised when the kids came home and said that KR had told them we had a court date a few days before, but that I had refused to show up and that I was trying to take them way from him. Kids should have no knowledge of adult problems, especially court. And a parent should never be forced into a corner to defend themselves against an allegation like that  (especially when I was not trying to take his children away from him!)

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Hiding in the truck

Our children have started to witness  domestic violence in their dad's home, between their dad and his current wife. One evening a few months ago, KR and his wife GR got into each other's faces and started to tell F*** you at each other. ( The arguement revolved around GR saying she didn't want our boys at her house anymore) Then KR raised his fists and put them in front of GR's face. The boys were afraid that the fight was going to get physical,  and because the fight was about them, that it may turn physical against them, so they ran outside and hide in one of the trucks. They could still hear the arguing,  and see KR threaten GR with his fists. The boys said they fought for along time and they stayed out in the truck until it got dark, and then went inside because they were cold.  Our daughter was still inside. She heard KR tell GR that he was going to divorce her. It upset our daughter. Later that night, she asked KR if he was really going to divorce GR,  he told her no, he was just teaching her a lesson.  It saddens me that our children are exposed to toxic relationships, are are told they are not wanted.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Trying to get me fired

I had gotten the nerve to try to leave, again. I had tried a few other times, and always gone back. He always threatened to take my kids away or numerous other things. However, this time I had stayed away all night long. I went into work that morning feeling accomplished and nervous.  Within minutes of arriving my nurse manager pulled me aside. He asked "what did you do last night?" I responded " I left my husband, why?" He said " I came in this morning to a voice-mail from KR. He said you were stealing drugs from the pyxis. I figured you had left him. I don't believe him, but we have to investigate anyway. Don't go back this time." And then he walked away. Of course the investigation showed the drug count to be clean, and my fellow nurses had witnessed me wasting unused drugs.  KR was trying to get me fired because I had tried to leave him for being abusive.  Classic batterer bahavior. A few days later, he was apologizing and crying, saying we needed to keep our family together, and that he would change. He even asked me to sit down and write down a plan on paper, on how to make our marriage better, which I reluctantly did. And I foolishly went back.

Monday, April 17, 2017

My dad's retirement

KR recently told my children that my dad was fired from the fire department, and that the only job he could find was teaching at the penitentiary, and teaching inmates "how to be bad." Another attack on my family, for no reason, except to make the kids question their relationships with people they love.  I explained to the kids that grandpa retired from the fire department after working their for 26 years, and that the city policy was that after 25 years you were eligible to retire. Grandpa then went on to teach for the local community college. Yes, he did start teaching for their outreach at the penitentiary,  and he did that for a couple years and after that he taught on the college campus.  My dad went and got a letter from the city, explaining he retired, and a letter from the college that had the years he worked at the college and out at the penitentiary,  to show the kids.  He sat down and showed the kids. He told them there must have been a misunderstanding and he didn't want them to have to worry about what the truth was about him. The kids were relieved.  KR knew the truth. He chose to lie in attempt to make them think their grandpa was a bad person so that the kids would mistrust him. He had done this enough times over the last 5 years that we knew this was just another attempt to manipulate the kids and hurt them.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Going to hell

It's been years since we divorced. You would think the abuse would be old news, in the past, a distant memory. But now days, KR uses the court system to be financially, emotionally and psychologically abusive. But even worse, he hurts our children.  Mostly, he straight up lies to the kids to try to paint a picture of me and my family that is twisted and sick.  He also taked pieces of truth and manipulates it into something unrecongizable. Sometimes, he just says things to be hurtful, that have no meaning what so ever. He wants to control the kids,  make them hate my family, my husband, but most of all me.  It hasn't worked. But it makes the kids sad, and causes anxiety, depression and confusion.  And it breaks my heart for them.  Here is just one story, told in coversation.

Kids: Mom, are you going to hell?
Me: No, of course not, why would you think that?
Kids: Dad said you got your tubes fixed to not have anymore babies, and that because you did that,  God hates you and you will go to hell.
Me: Yes, I got my tubes tied, it is a surgery, that makes it so I can't have any more babies, but God doesn't hate me for it. God knows that it wasn't safe for me to have anymore kids,  and God loves me very much.  I am not going to hell, you don't have to worry.
Kids: Well, dad says that you are sinning against God because you won't have more babies for him. Are you sure you aren't going to hell? ( sounding really worried)
Mom:  I believe in Jesus, and I love him, and he knows my heart.  I know I am going to heaven, And you don't have to worry about it anymore guys.  Your dad doesn't isn't my judge, Jesus is, ok?
Kids: Ok, you are right mom. Thanks.





Friday, April 14, 2017

The shotgun

The domestic violence order of protection  (dvop) was clear.  KR was to turn in all his firearms while the dvop was in effect.  I returned to our home to try to recover my children and my things (that story of destruction another time) with a judges order for KR to be gone from the home. What I found when I arrived, was a shotgun laying out in plain sight.  It scared me, and I immediately called the police. (Our home was 3 hours away from where I had fled too). They came and took custody of the gun and wrote a report. But like most violations of dvops, no arrest was made.  My mom's cousin was with me, and she is my mothers age. Several hours later, when I returned to my parents home, the local police showed up at their door. They said that KR had called and made a report that an older woman who had been with me, called him and told him that I had taken his shotgun, loaded it and was going to kill my 3 children and myself.  I explained to the officer what had gone on that day, the name of the officer/city where I had been, and he went off to make some calls. Obviously,  KR had at some point, seen who was with me, but had not seen the police arrive and remove the gun. After the officer confirmed my story, he left. A few days later,  I ordered a copy of the report from the initial officer, who took custody of the weapon. The report stated that the shotgun was loaded with 4 shells. KR had loaded the weapon, and then hoped I would panic and take it, attempting to set me up as homicidal and suicidal.  This is one way a narcissitic batterer attempts revenge, when their victim leaves.

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Broken phone

KR had lost his job (the first of many times, I will tell those stories another time) and we had temporarily moved in with his parents. I was selling the house I owned prior to meeting him, and planned on moving two states away. We weren't married yet, I was pregnant with our first child, had already moved my two oldest children from my first marriage to our (hopefully)  new city (they were with my parents) and my 2.5 year old stayed with me. I had no idea what was in store for me when we moved in with his parents. KR's dad was verbally and physically abusive to his mom. I witnessed him calling her every name in the book, and one day, watched him chase her out of the house, threatening her. I couldn't stand being there,  or having my daughter witnessing this either. I told KR we needed to stay somewhere else, a motel even, until we could get to our new city. KR was furious. He called me a liar, said I wasn't seeing what I saw ( even though he was there when it was occurring) and was outraged that I would speak poorly about his parents after they had "taken us in".  I told him I was going to stay somewhere else and tried to leave.  He got even angrier. He grabbed my purse and took my atm card away. My van was on empty, I was an hour away from my job and co-workers, and had no one local to give me money gas. I begged him to give me my card back and let me and my daughter leave. If he didn't want to go with us, he didn't have to, but he had no right to steal my card and prevent me from leaving. He laughed and yelled at me at the same time. He called me every name you could imagine. Crying, I grabbed my daughter and my cell phone and walked into another room. I called the ER I worked at. A charge nurse I worked with frequently answered. I started to tell her what was going on, but within seconds,  KR grabbed the phone from me (he had follwed me) and smashed it to the ground, and it broke. He didnt know the connection wasn't lost immediately, and the charge nurse could hear him continue to yell at me, threaten me and tell me I couldn't leave for several minutes before the phone died.  She called the local police, but she didn't know where I was and she anxiously waited to hear if I was safe. It took about 10 minutes for me to be able to make my way outside with my daughter who by this time was crying hysterically too. I didn't know what I was going to do. At this point, KR's dad pulled up. I told him that KR had taken my atm card, broken my phone and refused to let me leave. KR denied everything, acted calm and like nothing had just happened.  He said I was crazy and out of control. His dad said he would give me ten dollars for my tank ( to this day, I think he only did this because of his sons recent brushes with the law and him not wanting me to go to a neighbors to call the police). That ten dollars got me to the ER where I worked, and I was able to call the bank, cancel and replace my card, and get set up with a friend for a few days. After that, I got a motel room. Within a week, KR was calling saying he was sorry. His excuse was that he was stressed about not having a job, a baby on the way, our plans on moving away from his family and his recent troubles with the law...and of course....me not understanding and getting along with his family and not being understanding of HIS feelings and needs. Pretty soon, he had ME feeling guilty about the whole situation. I was so conditioned and manipulated that I believed I was the problem. Looking back, and after years of counseling, I can't believe I was so under his thumb. I went from being a strong, independent woman, to a controlled, abused woman. It can happen to anyone.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

The night shift

I had only worked a few hours that night when he called. The shift started at 7pm and ended at 7am. I was new to the department, just barely off orientation.  But lets back up..

I had 5 kids,  (the older 3 were at their dads, so only the 2 younger boys were home that night) , the youngest was just over a year old. My husband at the time ( I will call him KR) said he had a headache before I left for work and wanted me to call in sick, but he was playing video games and wasn't really sick.  He just wanted to keep playing World of Warcraft without interruption. I couldn't call in sick to my new job, and told him to take a motrin and he would feel better.  That did not make him happy.  I got my stuff, said goodbye to the kids and went to work.

Around 9:30 I got the phone call.  It was KR.  He was slurring his speech and was angry.  He told me that I had to come home right now. He said he couldn't handle the kids anymore, and that I had to do it.  I asked why he was slurring.  He told me he had taken some of my phenergan.  He had stolen pills from me before, so this didn't surprise me, but it worried me.  He could get out of control angry on phenergan.  I told him to just put the kids in bed and to go to bed himself.  (I was the only one making any real money at this point, and I couldn't afford for us to lose my job and then lose our home).

And then it happened.  He told me if I didn't come home right now, I would come home to dead children. So I went home.

The next day he told me he didn't mean it and he was sorry, he was just mad and wanted me to come home because he didn't feel good and I wasn't listening to him.

That is just one of many days of my life at the hands of an abuser.  This was several years into the manipulation, the loss of self worth and when I actually believed him when he apologized or was able to talk his way out of things.

This is the face of domestic violence.  And I want to bring that face out of the shadows, and into the light.