Trying to get me fired

I had gotten the nerve to try to leave, again. I had tried a few other times, and always gone back. He always threatened to take my kids away or numerous other things. However, this time I had stayed away all night long. I went into work that morning feeling accomplished and nervous.  Within minutes of arriving my nurse manager pulled me aside. He asked "what did you do last night?" I responded " I left my husband, why?" He said " I came in this morning to a voice-mail from KR. He said you were stealing drugs from the pyxis. I figured you had left him. I don't believe him, but we have to investigate anyway. Don't go back this time." And then he walked away. Of course the investigation showed the drug count to be clean, and my fellow nurses had witnessed me wasting unused drugs.  KR was trying to get me fired because I had tried to leave him for being abusive.  Classic batterer bahavior. A few days later, he was apologizing and crying, saying we needed to keep our family together, and that he would change. He even asked me to sit down and write down a plan on paper, on how to make our marriage better, which I reluctantly did. And I foolishly went back.

My dad's retirement

KR recently told my children that my dad was fired from the fire department, and that the only job he could find was teaching at the penitentiary, and teaching inmates "how to be bad." Another attack on my family, for no reason, except to make the kids question their relationships with people they love.  I explained to the kids that grandpa retired from the fire department after working their for 26 years, and that the city policy was that after 25 years you were eligible to retire. Grandpa then went on to teach for the local community college. Yes, he did start teaching for their outreach at the penitentiary,  and he did that for a couple years and after that he taught on the college campus.  My dad went and got a letter from the city, explaining he retired, and a letter from the college that had the years he worked at the college and out at the penitentiary,  to show the kids.  He sat down and showed the kids. He told them there must have been a misunderstanding and he didn't want them to have to worry about what the truth was about him. The kids were relieved.  KR knew the truth. He chose to lie in attempt to make them think their grandpa was a bad person so that the kids would mistrust him. He had done this enough times over the last 5 years that we knew this was just another attempt to manipulate the kids and hurt them.

Going to hell

It's been years since we divorced. You would think the abuse would be old news, in the past, a distant memory. But now days, KR uses the court system to be financially, emotionally and psychologically abusive. But even worse, he hurts our children.  Mostly, he straight up lies to the kids to try to paint a picture of me and my family that is twisted and sick.  He also taked pieces of truth and manipulates it into something unrecongizable. Sometimes, he just says things to be hurtful, that have no meaning what so ever. He wants to control the kids,  make them hate my family, my husband, but most of all me.  It hasn't worked. But it makes the kids sad, and causes anxiety, depression and confusion.  And it breaks my heart for them.  Here is just one story, told in coversation.

Kids: Mom, are you going to hell?
Me: No, of course not, why would you think that?
Kids: Dad said you got your tubes fixed to not have anymore babies, and that because you did that,  God hates you and you will go to hell.
Me: Yes, I got my tubes tied, it is a surgery, that makes it so I can't have any more babies, but God doesn't hate me for it. God knows that it wasn't safe for me to have anymore kids,  and God loves me very much.  I am not going to hell, you don't have to worry.
Kids: Well, dad says that you are sinning against God because you won't have more babies for him. Are you sure you aren't going to hell? ( sounding really worried)
Mom:  I believe in Jesus, and I love him, and he knows my heart.  I know I am going to heaven, And you don't have to worry about it anymore guys.  Your dad doesn't isn't my judge, Jesus is, ok?
Kids: Ok, you are right mom. Thanks.

The shotgun

The domestic violence order of protection  (dvop) was clear.  KR was to turn in all his firearms while the dvop was in effect.  I returned to our home to try to recover my children and my things (that story of destruction another time) with a judges order for KR to be gone from the home. What I found when I arrived, was a shotgun laying out in plain sight.  It scared me, and I immediately called the police. (Our home was 3 hours away from where I had fled too). They came and took custody of the gun and wrote a report. But like most violations of dvops, no arrest was made.  My mom's cousin was with me, and she is my mothers age. Several hours later, when I returned to my parents home, the local police showed up at their door. They said that KR had called and made a report that an older woman who had been with me, called him and told him that I had taken his shotgun, loaded it and was going to kill my 3 children and myself.  I explained to the officer what had gone on that day, the name of the officer/city where I had been, and he went off to make some calls. Obviously,  KR had at some point, seen who was with me, but had not seen the police arrive and remove the gun. After the officer confirmed my story, he left. A few days later,  I ordered a copy of the report from the initial officer, who took custody of the weapon. The report stated that the shotgun was loaded with 4 shells. KR had loaded the weapon, and then hoped I would panic and take it, attempting to set me up as homicidal and suicidal.  This is one way a narcissitic batterer attempts revenge, when their victim leaves.

Broken phone

KR had lost his job (the first of many times, I will tell those stories another time) and we had temporarily moved in with his parents. I was selling the house I owned prior to meeting him, and planned on moving two states away. We weren't married yet, I was pregnant with our first child, had already moved my two oldest children from my first marriage to our (hopefully)  new city (they were with my parents) and my 2.5 year old stayed with me. I had no idea what was in store for me when we moved in with his parents. KR's dad was verbally and physically abusive to his mom. I witnessed him calling her every name in the book, and one day, watched him chase her out of the house, threatening her. I couldn't stand being there,  or having my daughter witnessing this either. I told KR we needed to stay somewhere else, a motel even, until we could get to our new city. KR was furious. He called me a liar, said I wasn't seeing what I saw ( even though he was there when it was occurring) and was outraged that I would speak poorly about his parents after they had "taken us in".  I told him I was going to stay somewhere else and tried to leave.  He got even angrier. He grabbed my purse and took my atm card away. My van was on empty, I was an hour away from my job and co-workers, and had no one local to give me money gas. I begged him to give me my card back and let me and my daughter leave. If he didn't want to go with us, he didn't have to, but he had no right to steal my card and prevent me from leaving. He laughed and yelled at me at the same time. He called me every name you could imagine. Crying, I grabbed my daughter and my cell phone and walked into another room. I called the ER I worked at. A charge nurse I worked with frequently answered. I started to tell her what was going on, but within seconds,  KR grabbed the phone from me (he had follwed me) and smashed it to the ground, and it broke. He didnt know the connection wasn't lost immediately, and the charge nurse could hear him continue to yell at me, threaten me and tell me I couldn't leave for several minutes before the phone died.  She called the local police, but she didn't know where I was and she anxiously waited to hear if I was safe. It took about 10 minutes for me to be able to make my way outside with my daughter who by this time was crying hysterically too. I didn't know what I was going to do. At this point, KR's dad pulled up. I told him that KR had taken my atm card, broken my phone and refused to let me leave. KR denied everything, acted calm and like nothing had just happened.  He said I was crazy and out of control. His dad said he would give me ten dollars for my tank ( to this day, I think he only did this because of his sons recent brushes with the law and him not wanting me to go to a neighbors to call the police). That ten dollars got me to the ER where I worked, and I was able to call the bank, cancel and replace my card, and get set up with a friend for a few days. After that, I got a motel room. Within a week, KR was calling saying he was sorry. His excuse was that he was stressed about not having a job, a baby on the way, our plans on moving away from his family and his recent troubles with the law...and of course....me not understanding and getting along with his family and not being understanding of HIS feelings and needs. Pretty soon, he had ME feeling guilty about the whole situation. I was so conditioned and manipulated that I believed I was the problem. Looking back, and after years of counseling, I can't believe I was so under his thumb. I went from being a strong, independent woman, to a controlled, abused woman. It can happen to anyone.

The night shift

I had only worked a few hours that night when he called. The shift started at 7pm and ended at 7am. I was new to the department, just barely off orientation.  But lets back up..

I had 5 kids,  (the older 3 were at their dads, so only the 2 younger boys were home that night) , the youngest was just over a year old. My husband at the time ( I will call him KR) said he had a headache before I left for work and wanted me to call in sick, but he was playing video games and wasn't really sick.  He just wanted to keep playing World of Warcraft without interruption. I couldn't call in sick to my new job, and told him to take a motrin and he would feel better.  That did not make him happy.  I got my stuff, said goodbye to the kids and went to work.

Around 9:30 I got the phone call.  It was KR.  He was slurring his speech and was angry.  He told me that I had to come home right now. He said he couldn't handle the kids anymore, and that I had to do it.  I asked why he was slurring.  He told me he had taken some of my phenergan.  He had stolen pills from me before, so this didn't surprise me, but it worried me.  He could get out of control angry on phenergan.  I told him to just put the kids in bed and to go to bed himself.  (I was the only one making any real money at this point, and I couldn't afford for us to lose my job and then lose our home).

And then it happened.  He told me if I didn't come home right now, I would come home to dead children. So I went home.

The next day he told me he didn't mean it and he was sorry, he was just mad and wanted me to come home because he didn't feel good and I wasn't listening to him.

That is just one of many days of my life at the hands of an abuser.  This was several years into the manipulation, the loss of self worth and when I actually believed him when he apologized or was able to talk his way out of things.

This is the face of domestic violence.  And I want to bring that face out of the shadows, and into the light.

The night

The night is cold, the breeze slight. I am sitting in my room with the warmth of the heater around me. I am listening to the children laugh, as they watch a funny cartoon, and hear the baby's quiet breathing, asleep, snuggled in her crib. My heart is joyful, my spirit content. My faith strong, my hopes high. My children safe, my family held up in prayer. I am a blessed daughter of God, there is nothing more I could ask for.