This Big House

The night

2011-03-06T19:14:00.000-08:00

The night is cold, the breeze slight. I am sitting in my room with the warmth of the heater around me. I am listening to the children laugh, as they watch a funny cartoon, and hear the baby's quiet breathing, asleep, snuggled in her crib. My heart is joyful, my spirit content. My faith strong, my hopes high. My children safe, my family held up in prayer. I am a blessed daughter of God, there is nothing more I could ask for.

5 months

2011-01-07T23:18:00.000-08:00

In 50 minutes, it will be 5 months to the day I left my marriage. I thought the divorce would be final, and the drama lessened. I was wrong. But, God continues to bless me, hold me up and provide for all my needs. I will have faith, and continue to trust him in all things. I will look to him when I need strength, hope and encouragement. His word, is the answer to all things. Regardless of my failures, wrongs and sins, God loves me, loves my children and forgives.

Your heart is spoken for

2010-12-14T22:05:00.000-08:00

Alone, the endless beating of a drum
Louder than the sobbing of a soul.

Life, a desolate place of waste
Hungry for destruction and decay

Sorrow, a parasitic leech
That drains joy irreplaceable

Hope, a mocking laughter
Taunting endlessly, unreachable

Time, a steep icy path
Slipping away, not caring it was wasted

I have been positive and encouraging. I have been strong and had faith. I have trusted my God and he has delivered. But, that doesn't mean I too have days where I question, regret, feel sad or angry. Or days where I wish I could go back many years and start all over. God does not promise that we will never feel pain, or grief, or sorrow. He does not promise we will never cry, or scream, or be angry. He does not promise it will be easy, or that we will not stumble and maybe even fall at some point. He only promises that during all these things, he has us in his arms, gently holding our hearts while sharing our pain. No matter how secluded we feel, no matter how much loneliness settles upon us, God is with us, in us, carrying us, loving us, wiping our tears, and whispering "your heart is spoken for, you are mine, you are never alone".

119

2010-12-04T12:25:00.000-08:00

I have survived. 119 days done and gone. I will survive the rest of the days yet to be counted too.

Chains

2010-11-26T21:39:00.000-08:00

The chains you wrapped around me,
Are broken completely.
I do not give power to the words brought forth from your mouth,
They are meaningless.
I will not fear your presence and I will no longer look over my shoulder,
YOU are the coward.
I am not what you made me believe I had become
I am strength, love and hope.
I do not care to dwell in the misery you have caused me,
It has taught me to grow.
Your anger and hate will not steal another moment from me
I have forgiven.
The bitterness you laid upon my heart, my soul, my life..... just ashes
The wind has carried it away
Our past will not haunt me nor make me shed a tear
I will smile, I will laugh, I will live, I will love.

Live

2010-11-20T12:41:00.000-08:00

Rejoice, for I am the one true God
Sing, let your voice light up my heavens
Pray, I hear every word and answer
Love, I command you to do this
Confess, I will forgive
Honor, do this to yourself as you do me
Live, now and for eternity in my promises

Heart

2010-11-20T08:14:00.001-08:00

My heart Lord, is yours. Every blessing in my life is from you, and every sorrow in my life you carry for me.
My heart Lord, is yours. You forgive every transgression, and you rejoice when I repent. You make me spotless.
My heart Lord, is yours. You break down my enemies. You fortify my brothers and sister faith, so they have the strength to battle the unseen on my behalf.
My heart Lord, is yours. Let every word I speak, everything I do, and all that I am, reflect the wonder of the awesome God you are.
My heart is fully yours Lord.

Broken

2010-11-07T08:21:00.000-08:00

Alone, in a dark corner of life, is where you stand. The light is all around, but the pain of your brokenness has hidden it from you. You are lost in the maze of your circumstances. The door to the good things I have planned for you, is right in front of you. But you haven't released the bonds of the past, therefore you can not reach to open the door. Your heart and spirit are sick and fragile. I have sent my love to you,to heal your wounds from the inside out. But, you will not remove the band-aids of selfishness and pride. You continue to rely on your own understanding and ignore mine. I can not fix the brokenness of what you have become, until you are ready for me to do so. Let me be the light, the door to happiness, the healer of your heart. Let my understanding be the stitches that hold you together. I will not only heal you, I will change you, and your heart will be fuller than you could ever imagine.
Jesus

Regret

2010-11-06T23:09:00.001-07:00

I want to live each day without regret. To tell my kids that I love them, that my world would be barren without them. To tell my family that I love them, I am not whole without them. To tell my friends that I love them, my world would be a garden of thistles not flowers without them.

I want to live each day without regret. To have integrity and compassion to those I meet along the path that is my life. To have the courage to accept without judging, empathy for those I do not understand, and love for those who the world think undeserving.

I want to live each day without regret. To say the words that need to be said, and to never hold back my feelings for fear of what I might be told in return.

I want to live each day without regret. Without fear. Without pain. Without sorrow.

With love. With hope. With energy. With faith. With pride. With respect.

Today

2010-10-31T13:54:00.000-07:00

Today, I want you to be thankful for my hedge of protection. I want you to close your eyes, and see with your heart that I am holding you in my arms. I want you to love me with an urgency that you have never known. I want you to pray with a conviction you were not aware you had. Today, I want you to believe that no weapon formed against you shall prosper because my shield covers you. I want you to take hold of the peace that I have sent you, a peace that cannot be stolen unless you allow it. I want you to stop relying on your own understanding and know that my wisdom is more than enough. I want you to cling to my Son, and never let go, as he will guide you to the heavens. Today, let me be your Deliverer, fully, without hesitation, questions or doubts. Today. Right now. Let me be your God.

Awesome God

2010-10-30T12:03:00.000-07:00

I am an awesome God. Worship and praise me, focus on me and my ways, and I will secure in you a peace that man cannot provide. No matter how far you think you have fallen from me with your sin and rebellion, you are never out of my reach. My hands go before you, to cushion you when you hit the bottom. My arms will draw you back to me, where you belong. In my presence, surrounded by my love, grace, and mercy. I will shower you with the blood that I shed for you, and you will be made white as snow. I love you. I will not forsake you, I will never turn from you. I am your deliverer.

Give me

2010-10-26T15:54:00.001-07:00

Give me your heart, as I am the one who can put the delicate broken pieces back together. Give me your sorrow, and I will transform it into strength. Give me your fear and I will mold it into hope that cannot be contained. Give me your broken spirit, and I will tenderly cradle it while it mends. Give me praise, and I will will give you peace. Give me your pain and I will give you healing. Give me your life, I have already given you mine.
Jesus

Love

2010-10-22T23:55:00.000-07:00

Proverbs 17:17 A friend loves at all times
Leviticus 19:18 Love your neighbor as yourself
Song of Solomon 8:6 For love is as strong as death
Song of Solomon 8:7 Many waters cannot quench love, nor can the floods drown it
Matthew 5:44 But I say to you, love your enemies
John 13:34 Love one another, as I have loved you
Romans 12:9 Let love be without hypocrisy
Romans 13:10 Love does no harm to a neighbor
Romans 14:5 Owe no one anything except to love one another, for he who
loves another has fulfilled the law
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy;love does not
parade itself, is not puffed up;does not behave rudely, does
not seek its own, is not provoked,thinks no evil;does not
rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;bears all things
believes all things, hopes all things,endures all things. Love
never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:13 And now abide faith,hope love,these three;but the greatest of
these is love.
1 Timothy 1:5 Now the purpose of the commandment is love from a pure heart
1 Peter 4:8 And above all things have fervent love for one another for love
will cover a multitude of sins
1 John 3:16 By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us.
And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.
1 John 4:7 Beloved, let us love one another

We are

2010-10-19T20:49:00.001-07:00

We are either equipped by our past experience, or handicapped by it.

Author Unknown

2010-10-19T20:40:00.000-07:00

This came across my path and I was in awe of the dignity of it. Not religious in any way, but hopeful and wonderful all the same.

You and I,
We meet as strangers, each carrying a mystery
Within us, I can not say who you are
I may never know you completely
But I trust that you are a person in your own right
Possessed of a beauty and value
That are the earth's riches treasures
So I make this promise to you
I will impose no identities upon you
But will invite you to become yourself
Without shame or fear
I will hold open a space for you in the world
And allow your right to fill it
With authentic vocation and purpose
For as long as your search takes
You have my loyalty

Another day

2010-10-16T10:40:00.000-07:00

Another day has passed, and you have not just merely survived. You have had joy, peace, hope and love abundantly. I have held your hand and guided you through the maze that seems unending. I have held your heart, when the winds of change make it feel like it is crumbling into dust and blowing in a hundred different directions. I have been the iron rod that stands you straight when the weight of the enemy on your shoulders is too much to hold up on your own. I have been the waterfall of cleansing, that flows over and through you, and replaces the bitterness with a laughter that can not be contained. Another day has passed, and you have have not merely survived, you have conquered.

Start new

2010-10-13T05:35:00.000-07:00

Today I am starting new. Doesn't matter how many days before today I have done this, for the Lord's forgiveness is abundant and his promises are not broken. Only through Him, I am made new every morning, all I have to do is ask. Lord, today let my contemplation be on the plans laid out before me. Let my spirit be joyful, even when that path is overgrown with thorns and tainted with serpents. For the pain before me is nothing, compared to the milk and honey that is abundant waiting on the other side of my trials. Let me sing a new song. A song that tells of the amazing things you have done in my life. Let it continue to grow louder, and drown out any doubt, pain and sorrow. For I trust in you, and Today, I am starting new.

Turn your eyes

2010-10-10T16:49:00.000-07:00

I couldn't get this song out of my head today. It has played over and over like a record, I think someone is telling me I need to turn my eyes upon Jesus!

O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There’s a light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free!

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of the earth will grow strangely dim,
in the Light of His glory and Grace.

Through death into life everlasting
He passed, and we follow Him there;
Over us sin no more hath dominion—
For more than conquerors we are!

His Word shall not fail you—He promised;
Believe Him, and all will be well:
Then go to a world that is dying,
His perfect salvation to tell!

Thank you

2010-10-09T23:47:00.000-07:00

Lord, thank you. I am a new person today because of the works you have done in my life. Lord, Thank you. You have forgiven me, even though I am undeserving. Lord, thank you. I am filled with hope, that only comes from you, even though I doubted hope was possible. Lord, thank you. You breathed into me courage, when I could have hid in my fear, because I did not trust you fully. Lord, thank you. You have placed a desire in my heart to bend to your will, even though my emotions did not support my pleas to bend. Lord, thank you. You have been a shelter from the world, even when my actions were of this world. Lord, thank you. You have have been patient with me, even when I rebelled against your love and I could have been tossed from your sight. Lord, thank you. I am free from my bonds because you paid the price for my release.

I will give you words

2010-10-09T20:49:00.000-07:00

I gave Moses the words to speak, and he changed the course of an entire people. Did you really waste time fretting over words that would change the course of your life? Did I not tell you to "ask and thou shall receive?(Matthew 7:7) Didn't My Holy words encourage you, "that no weapon formed against you shall prosper?"(Isaiah 54:17) Did you forget "And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free?” (John 8:32) Did you not hear me say "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,?"(Hebrews 10:30) Why does your heart fear? "I have hated them that regard lying vanities: but I trust in the LORD."(Psalms 31:6) is what you should tell yourself and believe. Do not drown yourself with worry of what is given as truth that is not for "...the mouth of them that speak lies shall be stopped.) (Psalms 63:11) Finally my child, if you remember only one thing let it be this "…and they shall speak lies at one table; but it shall not prosper:"(Daniel 11:27,) I will give you words of truth, you only have to speak them and my promises will be fulfilled in you.

Porcelain Heart

2010-10-09T08:26:00.001-07:00

This is from a Barlow Girls song. It touched my heart this morning.

You know, you pray, this cant be the way.
You cry, you say, somethings gotta change,
And mend this porcelain heart of mine.
Someone said, A broken heart would sting at first,
Then make you stronger.
You wonder why this pain remains.
Were hearts made whole just to break?
Creator only you take brokenness
And create it into beauty once again.

I was faithful

2010-10-08T18:20:00.000-07:00

I was faithful. I answered your prayers. I opened the door for you. I lead you safely through when the dark distorted your vision. I gave you the hope that radiated to others around you and the confidence to be yourself. I gave you wisdom to answer, and the patience to contemplate that which you were not sure how to answer. I put peace in your spirit, and joy in your heart so that those that stood around you could not help but see the person you are destined to become. Your past will not hamper your future. It will transform you. You will be stronger, happier and secure. Your testimony of survival will change the course of a life, for you will be a representation of the miracles I shower on My children.

Why

2010-10-07T19:33:00.000-07:00

Why do you try to hide your pain, behind eyes that tell the truth? Why do you pretend that you can do this alone, when I am here, ready to hold your hand? Why do you put up a wall between your heart and my love, when my love is what you really need? Why do you not trust me, when I have kept every promise I have made? Why do you look to the sky and scream, instead of getting on your knees to pray? Why do you not see in yourself what I see in you? I should not have to ask you why. I have felt your pain, I have put my hand out to you, I have cracked the wall between us so that you may push it down, I have never let you down, I have heard your screams and your desire to pray when you think you can't. You are My creation, made in My image and destined for glory.

Job 11:18

¹⁸ You will be secure, because there is hope;
you will look about you and take your rest in safety.

Take it

2010-10-07T12:16:00.000-07:00

Wisdom. Hope. Peace. Dignity. Comfort. Companionship. Unconditional love. Strength. Humility. Grace. Forgiveness. Laughter. Joy. A new song. Freedom from fear. Redemption. Honor. Cleansing. Rebirth in the Spirit. Child of the King. Heir of the Son of God. That is what I have to offer you. Take it and claim the person you were created to be. Deny it, and I will have lost a precious part of my heart, that can not be replaced.

Psalm 63:1

2010-10-07T10:10:00.000-07:00

“[A psalm of David. When he was in the Desert of Judah.] O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water.”- Psalm 63:1

This is my daily bible verse. This last week, my daily bible verse that I get on my phone or in my email, is what I need when I need it. God works in wondrous ways.

New day

2010-10-07T07:28:00.000-07:00

My wonderfully and uniquely made child, today is a new day created just for you. Yesterday is forgiven and forgotten. The sun that rises shall remind you of the light I place before you, so you may see the obstacles ahead of you clearly. The birds that sing shall remind you of the song of joy and hope I have placed in your heart. The river that flows shall remind of the love I pour over you, the bigger the pain the faster it flows. The trees shall remind you of the protection that I have placed around you. The trunk is my strength and my branches filter the storm that is pouring down on you. My leave's that change color and fall to the ground, are the sorrows, pain and disappointment that kill your spirit. Every time you give them to me, they fall to the ground, under your feet where you may trample them. The rain that falls shall remind you that when you weep, I weep with you. The wind shall remind you of the awesome power I have. I can move the mountains and toss houses like dry grass. I will tear down the walls that build up around you, I will knock down the enemy when he stands at your side telling you lies. I will open up the rivers so that you may safely pass to the other side, and then drown the sins that have followed behind you. I can. I will. I am. Yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Stop

2010-10-06T13:11:00.000-07:00

Stop. Take a deep breath and a long look around. Do you not see, feel or know all that I have provided for you? Stop. Close your eyes. Breathe in the spirit of peace that I sent to you. It will wrap up the confusion and fear and replace it with excitement for the path and plans I have created for you. Stop. Let yourself cry. Each salty tear lands in my hands and penetrates my heart. I will absorb those tears as well as the sorrow from which they spawn. In return for what I have taken I will give you a supernatural strength. You will take another step on the road wrought with despair and it will not touch you. Stop. Can you imagine for one moment how much I love you? No, not now you say without a word leaving your lips. It is louder than any word, the doubt you feel. I say to you obey me, cast your fears onto me, follow me through the mountains that are crumbling around you and blocking your path. Then once again stop. Know that I am with you. I will protect you. I will fill you up. I will not falter and I will not fail you. I will be faithful.

Yes you

2010-10-06T11:02:00.000-07:00

Mans love can not complete you, it can only compliment you. Gods love covers you completely. Man can not erase your pain or make it disappear. God can, and does, if you let Him. Man can not see without judging. God sees you as perfect, covered under His sacrifice. Man sees beauty through stained eyes, God sees your beauty through a fathers eyes. Man holds grudges and seeks revenge or punishment. God forgives you and releases you from your prison. Man will fail you daily, while God prevails on your behalf every second of every day. Man will hurt you and tell you lies. God will protect you and there is only truth on his tongue. Man seeks possessions of worldly goods and greed is abundant. God only seeks your voluntary love and gave Himself on the cross for you, a selfless act. All because He loves you. Yes, you.

Think of these

2010-10-06T07:01:00.000-07:00

Phillippians 4:8
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable,whatever is just, whatever is pure,whatever is lovely,whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise,think about these things.

Lord, it is so easy to get distracted by the things in my life that cause pain, anxiety or fear. It is easy to fall into the spirit of giving in, and letting hope be smothered. Help me to fill my day with praise for the blessing I have in my life, and help me to seek You at all times, not just during the bad times. Give me words to speak, that bring glory and honor to You, and may my actions do the same. Give me strength to lift up in prayer, not break down, those that come against me. Let Your wisdom be my guiding light in the darkness that is confusion. Thank You for loving me, thank You for holding my tears in Your hands, thank You for for creating each day new.

You are

2010-10-05T21:30:00.000-07:00

You are beautiful, you are a daughter of the King Most High. He loves you and sees your worth through His eyes, and not the worlds. You deserve to be filled with His love and peace, and be whole in Him, just because you are you. Love is waiting for you, reach out and grab it. Let God put his loving arms around you and His hope fill up the emptiness you feel. Someday soon your heart will heal and you will be remade new and spotless before the One who loves you more than you can comprehend. Seize this time of chaos and let God control the st0rm as it too shall pass.

Fullfill me

2010-10-05T21:26:00.000-07:00

On Aug 8, 2010 I left a marriage of domestic violence (DV). Because the process is still fresh and new, and because the legal issues remain within the courts, I am choosing not to focus on those issues, but instead, share the words that God places on my heart. I was given wise counsel by a fellow believer and someone who with just an hour of her day, has changed my perspective of how to handle all the obstacles in my life. She suggested that when I feel alone, sad or despair, to write a love letter to myself, and let God speak to me that way. The posts to come are my letters and I hope that they encourage anyone who is in currently or has recently left a relationship of (DV).

Final Post

2007-11-28T11:56:00.000-08:00

So I am saying goodbye to the blogger's life
Trying to write something interesting is causing me too much strife
Life is too hectic with a house full of snots
I have no time to type with a sink full of dishes and carpet stained with apple juice spots
Maybe someday my life will calm down
In the meantime, Im still sitting here in my night gown